hands,shoulders knees and toes...knees and toes! (and ears)

[loudboy]

Good morning ladies and gentlemen!  A quick query - how do those of you that get P in the ears, what do you do for it? i foolishly rubbed eumovate around them recently, and had chronic earache all night, for the first time since i was a kid! since that fateful day, it [my P] has come back bigger, badder, redder and itchier than ever, and quite frankly i feel like jacking myself in.  my mood has been rubbish these last couple of days, and i just-cant-stop-thinking-about-psoriasis no matter what.  i reckon it has produced approx. 30% of fresh, brand-new P, in places not bothered by it before.  this sucks, i work damned hard to make sick peoples lives more bearable, i have seen and done some foul, disgusting things that i wouldnt wish on anybody and i often go home exhausted, having not eaten, sometimes not even pee'd, because i've been so busy.  and THIS is my reward?  our God has a twisted sense of humour, methinks.  sorry folks, it was supposed to be a query, but turned out to be a rant.  i dont even feel any better for having said it.  sigh.  i'm not even angry. just scared. scared that this is it for the rest of my life.  progressively becoming less and less the man i feel i should be,want to be, and more and more a disfigured and angry man, segregated from humanity (im so fed up with being single) until i fold and hang myself.  not a cry for help, i promise.  just a miserable outlook for the future, based on my perception of the present. i realise there are people out there worse off than me, but then there are people out there better off than me, and that just makes me even more depressed.  i hope this is just your average, run of the mill bad day ( i was fairly upbeat about the whole thing yesterday) but cant help that feel that even when happy, im just masking the truth, and that truth is that i wish i would just go to sleep and not wake up.  i heard once that hell is when you wish you were dead, but death never comes.  seems about right.  sorry if i've bummed anyone out, i shall probably lie low till i feel better. once again, sorry. this is unlike me, which is why i trust it.

[Koala]

Hi Loudboy, don't apologise for ranting - that's what this place is for! Sorry that you're having a really hard time at the moment. I can relate to feeling angry about the p and thinking 'why me'. The truth is I haven't met anyone who deserves the bad things that have happened to them in life & a good person like you doesn't deserve to have p. I worry too, when I think that this p is forever and not knowing what course it will take in the future or how it will affect any family I might have eventually But then I know that there are loads of people who post on here who are also fantastic parents

I haven't had earache from using eumovate on my ear p. Have you tried just putting something greasy like epaderm (or even vaseline) on them overnight to help soften the p? Makes a mess on the pillow, but works better than normal moisturising lotions. I sometimes use an extra pillowcase over the top of the 'good' one.

Have you spoken to the doc about the way you've been feeling recently? Depression is a legitimate illness independent of p (maybe caused by it in some cases) - it's not a weakness or a personality disorder. Talking/thinking about suicide, even if you don't intend to do anything about it, having negative thoughts about the future & feeling removed from the rest of society are all warning signs. Still, a lot people feel like that about their p anyway. I'm not a doctor but I guess I'm just saying that you deserve to get support if you feel that you need it. Anyway, I'll stop rambling on  Keep posting on here any time that you need to ok?

Hope you're doing ok x

[Madtoscratch]

Hi Loudboy

Sorry your feeling so low today!

I can only say that I have good days and bad days re: the pigging p!!!! 

Some days I dont care and think it could be worse, its only cosmetic (and ruddy itchy) and then others I feel so down and anxious that I dont want to face anyone or even get out of bed.

Dont feel bad about ranting on here, its a good release and everyone on here knows exactly what your going through.

Regarding your ear p, I found eumovate applied sparingly works to control the soreness, but I try to apply at least 2 hours before bed, so it doesnt rub off so much in bed and also washing (carefully now) with E45 wash around my face, neck and ears.  Its a really good moisturiser too!

Hope you are felling better about things soon x
 

[OOHSUITUSIR!]

I use Diprosalic for behind my ears, my nostrils and chin and it works great. very verysmall quantities...as its a steroid. thIs isthe only 'medicated' ointment I use now as it sorts the job real quick but does not cause a steroid flare up . but I have to say it is the absoloute minimum that I apply

[Jade]

hey loudboy - I'm really sorry you are feeling so rubbish about it all at the moment
And you really musn't be sorry at all about posting, thats why this place exists!!

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with work & things as well - I guess in a way being busy can be a distraction but then you only have to stop & the reality of the situation sinks in.
Like running on air - you feel fine & mostly upbeat about things - but you know actually if you sit down & examine things & think about it ... you realise what you are really feeling/fearing inside.
So to feel okay you kind of have to pretend - to escape it.
And sometimes I guess you can get pretty tired having to pretend to be brave all the time.

I hope you are feeling a little better about things now & I hope you know that we all understand how you feel, so you deff aren't alone.

With your ears, if you are worried about using any harsh medicated ointments  - you could try some warm olive oil. My mum sometimes suffers quite bad with eczema in her ears & she finds that some warm olive oil & a bit of lavender essential really helps to relieve itching/soreness/inflammation. You can plug your ears with bits of cotton wool to stop any leaking out. Very flattering

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Take care xx

[loudboy]

Thanks guys, I do feel better today, even though my P seems worse    strange how moods can swing from one extreme to the other isn't it?  im certainly not "happy as larry" or owt, but today when i looked in the mirror it was more like "sigh, oh well" than "gosh-darn it you unattractive flipping toerag" like yesterday.  Ive just got to remember that there are others out there more despondent than myself, and they need my help as much as i need to help them, and as much as i need to be helped, if that makes any sense?  Anyhoo, thankyou once again, especially Terri, your message was ace, a really pleasant suprise to come on-shift to.  You seem a strong, kind and secure person, and you have my total respect.  take care peeps x x

ps jade ive just read your post and, well, youre a bit of a genius arent you?  I DO feel like i'm floating on air, cushty and brave and confident, which feels fine at the time,  but whenever i do sit down to think about it, its like im scared i'm gonna be found out, that i'm not any of those things i like to see myself as, and i guess it feels a bit like self loathing? but then if you loathe yourself, people will start to loathe you too. hmmm, its quite a vicious cycle isnt it?  And you know something, I'm going to break it.  Gotta go for now, duty calls.  Once again, thank you. x

[Jade]

... I'm glad you are feeling a bit better (moodwise)

Yep, I think there is a bit of that with some p people ... that we do hide part of ourselves away maybe? almost like pretending to the world to be this person ... & its almost like opening a wound maybe if you 'reveal' yourself - because perhaps your true colours are more than what everyone assumed!

Its like our skin becomes a battle field revealing wounds not from the outside ... but they echo a battle that is going on inside, where nobody can see ... a duck glides so calmly across the pond but look what its feet are doing underneath the surface to keep it afloat!!

At the end of the day, I think we would all be a bit naive if we just pretended that psoriasis was some inconvenient bothersome rash - I think it will have some effect on attitudes & feelings to a greater or lesser degree.

Outlook plays a big part in how we cope with things - the main thing to try not to do is become swamped by negative thoughts & have the p become a controlling force in your life, or this will only breed a situation of perpetual self implosion which you can't get out of.

... eeesh, we is all a bunch of psychos 

tc x

[loudboy]

agreed, but how do you get out of the perpetual cycle of self implosion?  i try so hard to be a sunny, positive person - i want to be a monk one day - but i just cant get around this effing P! i got over 5 deaths and the breakup of my relationship in one godawful year, have been to the brink of drug addiction, and have come out a better, stronger peson.  But this P makes me feel like a child again, all huffy and "its so unfair" etc, and no amount of self-acceptance or "surrendering to the now" is helping.  i'm starting to worry that i will never get my head around it, and i'm scared that i wont like the man i'll become, and will be unable to do anything about it.  having said that, if i wake up tomorrow, and my P isnt as noticeable as it is now, i shall be BUZZING! but- and this is the point you made so well, its all a facade, isnt it? wake up tmrw, looking 10% better and be happy. slight flare up after lunch and i become the first half hour of "saving private ryan" again.  living with it is tough, but i figure i've only been trying this acceptance thing for a week now (since i found pho) and just because it hasnt happened yet doesnt mean it never will, right? wow, it feels good to get all this off my chest.   id better make myself a hospital-standard mocha and just try to weigh it all up. thanks mate x

[Sandie]

Reading your original post brought tears to my eyes..as it could have been me that typed it.. i am not very good with words at all or expressing myself but  you done it for me..
There are days i stand in the shower..btw i shower because i havent got to look at my body..i can stare right ahead and pretend , that is until i have to cover myself in gunk lol.. on the days i have to bath for oil reasons i do it at night with the light off!! with maybe a small tea light candle for company that way i havent got to stare and look at this god awful, mind consumming, personality changing c**p  all over my body..
I have had P for 33 years and i still refuse to except it..there are days i dont want to wake up.. i think why? i cant wear what i want i cant do what i want ..it is totally controlling my life and my personality.. there are NO mirrors in my home except one in the boys room that has a sort of smoke effect to it and i have one small mirror that i have owned for around 6 years that is so dirty i can just about see my face in it BUT it makes my face look flawless and if i think thats what i really look like then it gives me the lil bit of confidence to go outside etc even though deep down i do know that my face is all blochy and my make up has caked because its so dry..
I do think sometimes how the hell am i going to face another day with this.. how can i walk around stinking of coal tar.. how can i walk around with my hand down my jeans scratching constantly.. having to hoover constant because i leave a trail from my side of the bed to the bathroom every morning..
I just want you to know that i understand!!! i dont know why god gave this to us.. we all have our cross to bear and some days i fool myself into thinking well he must have thought i was strong enough to cope with this but some days are really testing     

[loudboy]

now who's bringing tears to who's eyes???   :'(  You know, i spend quite a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, but when i read things like your post, Sandie, i feel like a bit of a precious git!  you CLEARLY are suffering more than i, and yet you take the time to write to me, and try to make me feel better, for which i am forever grateful.  i'm afraid that my shift has ended though, and i must go home for some well earned rest...feel free to to pm me if you like, i would like to think that you know i am here for you.  Please try not to be too hard on yourself, you say you fool yourself into believing you are strong, but only an incredibly strong individual could have bared themselves like you have to myself and the rest of the pho world, so theres no maybe about it. 33 years you've suffered, compared to my 4/5.  when i think about how you must have coped, and what you been through, it fair breaks my heart.  im really rambling now, and for that im sorry.  good morning to you fair maiden, i am going to have a GOOD day today, come hell or high water.  Please do the same.  Youre right, we dont know why god gave this to us, but i think we know how he wants us to handle it? take care dahl, God Bless x x