Hi and welcome along,
First of all - stop apologising! You have been very honest and there will be many people in the future who will read your post and feel grateful that someone has dared to say exactly how they feel - no doubt many of them will have felt the same.
Sometimes the hardest people to talk to are those closest to us. Like you, I think a lot of people think that their friends just won't understand. It is true to some extent, that a friend who has never had psoriasis will understand exactly how hard it can be to live with. I think a lot of us worry that they'll think we are just being vain, or complaining about something minor. But the reality is psoriasis can sometimes make us feel awful in so many ways.
But, I think I'm very close to giving up on life - I don't mean suicide- but I think that there will soon come a day when I can't go outside and face the world. I am married and have young children and I think I go about my normal routine for them. I feel like my marriage can't last even though my husband is nothing other than supportive. I've realised that if I don't like myself or find myself attractive, I find it impossible that anyone else could think of me as such.
You sound full of despair, and that is a symptom of depression. You sound like a very intelligent and thoughtful woman - just the type who might think not think that they are depressed, but rather blame themselves in some way for they way they are feeling. It is not your fault - there is nothing 'wrong' with you as a person. You are not 'weak.' Doctors are probably used to people who are depressed presenting them with physical (or other) symptoms. I think you should take note that so many are offering anti depressants. Have you thought about asking for counselling? I recently had to swallow my pride, and ask for help. I have had some major problems - problems that I thought would never happen to 'someone like me.' But now I have an appointment with the Community Psychiatric Nurse lined up (it is for agoraphobia, though I'm not housebound and manage to get to work. It's amazing how many people seem to be coping just fine but inside they feel completely overwhelmed!). It is a big relief and was a bit of a surprise that people are actually taking me seriously.
I think most people who have psoriasis have struggled with feeling ashamed at times. I know I have. You sound very sad, and I am sad for you because I know how hard it must be. And you are so apologetic - saying that you are not asking for advice or opinions. It's almost like you think people will think badly of you - but they will only want to help I promise
I really do think that you would benefit from asking for counselling, or CBT of some sort. You seem to have such low self-esteem, yet I can tell from your words that you are a good person. It's sad that you feel that way when you must have so much to offer. The fact that you have chosen such an anonymous username (most people don't use their real names, but just numbers!) shows me how deep your sense of shame is. I just wish I could talk to your family and friends and ask them to tell you how wonderful they undoubtedly think you are.
Post on here anytime you like, it is not self-pity, it is asking for help which is very courageous and admirable. You have my absolute respect because I can tell how hard it must have been for you to write on here.
You won't always feel this bad - I know it's hard to believe when you think that you are the only one who struggles. The people on here who's pictures you have noticed have probably felt sad and ashamed too, but they are at a different stage in dealing with those feelings.
I am so glad you joined & posted today.
