Depression

[Cupcakes]

I've suffered from depression since i was about 14/15. I believe i was already unhappy before i was diagnosed with P, but it's hard to remember because i can never seem to remember anything about life before Psoriasis.
I really can't think as to whether i was ever a happy person, but P has brought out such a negativity in my outlook on life. For about 2 years i was seriously depressed and considered suicide. Surprisingly, my depression deepened when i went into remission. I was P-free for over a year and in that time i developed an eating disorder as well as having a phobia of showing my skin (even though i was clear) and once again considered suicide.
I've never sought any help for depression, in fact i find it hard to even admit to myself that i suffer from it, i guess i kid myself that everyone hurts that deeply and that its normal. No one else in my family suffers from Psoriasis and i felt unable to discuss how i felt without upsetting people.

It amazes me how P has left emotional scars on my life. When my P flares now, its not the actual P that bothers me: its the all the memories it triggers of the past and how badly P used to make me feel about life. If i think too much about my P now, i get scared of slipping back into depression.

These days, i'm better. I still have very bad periods, but i just take a deep breathe, stop crying, get out of bed and get on with life. I don't want to go back to being as deeply depressed as i was, even thinking of how much i used to hurt makes me upset, so i just try and see the good in life.  The best thing i find is to let myself breakdown if i want to. The longer you hold out, the more it builds up. Then once the erruption is over you find the strength to pick yourself back up and move on with your life. Sometimes it used to take me 5 hours of being unable to move, to get enough strength to start over, but its possible and knowing i've done it before makes me believe that there are better days coming again 

For minor bad days, i have quick fixes: chocolate, excersize, music... and If all else fails, i watch Jeremy Kyle and feel better about my life 

[dub07]

I was feeling very down a few years ago. Everything was going wrong in my life, I felt a lot of bad things about myself and my situation. I was at my wits' end. Few people understood. My GP told me I had valid reasons to be down and that I had insight into the causes of my depression. So?

I eventually emailed an ex-client who happens to be a psychologist. This is part of his reply:

when you look in that mirror, try to see a brave soul who has endured and survived some very tough times. One who is no way  "an idiot" but simply a soul longing for selfhood and freedom and happiness, which are the hopes of every human being.

It's something which I read every so often to this day.  I got some counselling as well and it helped me enormously to talk issues out. I can't emphasise enough how much the counselling enabled me to keep going.

[Tim_]

Thanks to all who have replied
The more I learn about the facts and figures I realise that depression and suicide are far from rare but for some reasons they are not discussed often and little is done by government to help. I say this because the numbers are alarming.
For instance in 2007 more people died by committing suicide ( over 5,000 ) than died in road accidents ( under 3,000 ) by some 2,000
Yet it does not hit the headlines or get funding in the same way we spend on road safety.

That is not to say Depression or suicide can be treated by throwing money at the problem. I think the biggest difference we can make as non sufferers is to try and understand what is going on and be there for those who do suffer. I say this because we are a support forum and as such we cannot ignore the facts that many of us do or will suffer from depression and by inference a number of those will have suicidal thoughts.

So how can we offer support?
First is make it clear we are aware of the issue and encourage more discussions on the subject.
Look for helpfull links and info to post.
Share experiences of depression esp those who have succeeded in coping with it.


Plainly we are not "The Smaritians" and are not trained to be able to offer advice at that level but by discussing the issues of depression and suicide and letting those of us who suffer know they can talk about it here is a usefull step.
Because this is an issue that does not go away despite it's seriousness and it can be hard for people to talk about I am making this thread sticky. I also want to make it clear that those who suffer from depression among us that you are not forgotten about

Also the medical profession is becoming more aware of how many of us suffer from depression and thoughts of suicide.
A quote from SJ discussing her last talk on co morbidities.

However, it is is noted that depression and suicidal ideation are prevalent amongst P people and that something must be done. One consultant told me he 'lost' more patients to this than any other co-morbitity and, as such, it must be treated seriously. It's all very well looking for heart disease etc, but if the patient is depressed and acts upon this, then a heart attack is rather unimportant at that point!

Tim

[smigz]

I have found this post very helpful to read, i have suffered with depression for about 3years, and a couple of weeks ago i totaly broke down at work i was at my lowest but i have some absolutley fantastic friends who can read me like a book and were there when i needed them the most.. im still trying to cope with it and at the moment am trying a new anti depressant, i've had a good couple of days and my skin has started to die down, so my thoughts are that im not helping myself by getting so low, but its catch 22 when my skins bad im down... which makes it worse!

[guitarman]

hi all

I depression over two years with suicidal thoughts, I never thought that such a happy person that I was could ever suffer from depression.  I have tried to commit suicide a few times now because the pain has been so much that I could not cope any more.  I find it almost amazing I'm still here in many respects because I tried so hard.  I had headaches for nine months and they were very painful and never knew that the body could take so much pain.  Then diagnosed with depression I lost my job is the only job I loved .  I spend my waking hours sitting at home these days and smoking loads, the person I was has gone it seems, bubbly, smiling and laughing most of the time.  I've had ECT which smacked me back to a more normal person I was just going crazy.  A friend of mine committed suicide six weeks ago and if I'd been with him I would have gone out to, depression to me is the worst thing that anybody can suffer from, having psoriasis can be hard but depression is harder.  I ask myself why do I go from here and what point is there to my life, the days go by and I spend in my safe place called my bed, hours on end.  This is not the best thing to do I know people say you should get out but I do not feel like it, I think I was perhaps brave I don't know really as I posted my thoughts about and suicide.  There is a saying on the Internet.......... went all resources are  outlasted and the pain of life is too much to bear suicide occurs.
I have been very close to this saying for so long now and I don't know what will happen in the end, suffering from depression to me is almost worse than any anything else I could think of.  Many people in their lives suffer from depression at some time and for many it is an illness which they live for years with, my psoriasis has almost gone and I am left with two small patches, I didn't do anything no creams now moisturisers nothing.  But the depression has me in its grip and it is a stronghold that I fight with every day, I ask myself when I be back to my normal self sometime soon, able to do my job again and able to smile, this is a question I cannot answer at this time.  We are all real people at the end of the day many of us battling against psoriasis and the effects that that has a loan, all I can say is my life was happy once, you could have never met such a happy person as me.  But now I am miserable, jobless and as it seems broken to the core, but I'm still fighting and I'm not going to give up yet.  Good luck to you all regards andrew

[Sal]

So sorry to read your message andy. Just keep taking those small wee steps one at a time, and know that others are thinking of you. Hope it helps you to write it all down, I know thats helped me before when i've felt helpless, just write to help get some things out of your system.
best wishes, Salx

[rachie]

hi im a p sufferer too.i have had i fo 10 yrs now and its getting worse by the day.i am also sure i have aruthritus as well due to the agonising pain in the back of my neck and acrooss my shoulders, its horendous. i also suffer from depression i have done on and off(more on than off) since i was 15,but never got treated for it until i was 18-19 when i had my first child since then its been on going i became a drinker and constantly smoked stuff i shouldnt off when i was 15, so im sure this has had a big affect on the depression (but im completely clean now) but i went of the rails i think partly to having p in my teens as i was deeply unhappy everybody treated me like a freak so in my opinion at that time was "what the hell, i have nothing to really live for"  my depressions has a tendancy to go up and down un-controlabrobly the down side being self harming,doing things like really pinching myself to the other exstreme of slicing my arms up the other side of my depression is saying to myself" right, i am a sufferer of depression and severe p, but i am proud to be me i have afantastic partner and 3 adorable children,they are what i live for,god gave me these children because he new i would be a good mum and help my little boy who has a genetic condition called albrights hereditary osteodystropy and adhd and i was the right person to be his mum and im strong enougth to look after him,his brother and his little sister". i have been on anti-depressants, i came of them january im feeling low at the moment but havent considered doing anything more than hiding away as i feel safe and secure and i feel like a human as im not being judged by anybody.i decided to come of the tablets myself as i know that tablets are not a permament solution to my problems, i have to learn to accept my bad child hood,the silly things i did as a teen, andtry and learn to cope with my p but i will never accept it as it ruins my life in so many ways everyday of my life. i am not surgesting that anybody just stop taking their tablets but i must relise that they arent going to cure any of my problems at all. if my depression does get much worse then i will have to accept that i will have to , yet again going back onto the anti-depressants,but only time will tell.  I also really dont understand why depression is always never spoken about and is always swept under the carpet, and if it is spoken about people say things like"im going to the funny farm" this being counselling, but there is nothing funny about being depressed, if there was we would all be laugthing not crying all the time,why are people so ignorant to this, if its just they dont understand then why do people sweep it under the carpet it SHOULD be spoken about then people would start to actually know that its not funny and we really cant help it and we cant just snap out of it when we please its out of our control and there is no surport for us really,especially, i believe if you have a child because you have the fear of social services taking your child away as they think you might be un fit due to a illness, well i know for a fact my children are very well looked after in every aspect but i cant run the risk of trying to get any real help just incase, which is rediculous really theres no were to really turn to these days, we just have to try are best and hold our heads high and try and be proud of ourselves to any p and depression suffers try and keep smiling and do your best to be strong 

[Tim_]

Hi Rachie
Your comments hit the nail on the head, the fact depression and suicidal ideation is not talked about often has led to the majority of people having little understanding of depression and how hard it is to cope with.

I also really dont understand why depression is always never spoken about and is always swept under the carpet, and if it is spoken about people say things like"im going to the funny farm" this being counselling, but there is nothing funny about being depressed, if there was we would all be laugthing not crying all the time,why are people so ignorant to this, if its just they dont understand then why do people sweep it under the carpet it SHOULD be spoken about then people would start to actually know that its not funny and we really cant help it and we cant just snap out of it when we please its out of our control and there is no surport for us really

The more we can talk about it and offer support to each other the better and it is helping those of us who have little knowledge of the issues understand more and realise that it is a problem not just for people generally but a problem for poeple like us who suffer from P. What I hope is that the more we can discuss the issues and understand Depression better we can help support those who are trying to cope with it.

Andrew's experiences have made me realise just how courageous he is in bringing the subject up in the first place and how important it is that he has done so. The difficulty he is having in coping with depression shows us just how hard it can be despite the best efforts of health proffesionals and how important it is to talk about it and bring it out into the open so we can all learn and understand how we can best help.

Tim

[Icklestar]

I think this is a good post, I think a lot of people with P are succeptible to Depression, it can be triggered by low self esteem and I think anyone with P experiences that on a regular basis. Aside from P, we're all at risk I don't care what the Docs say.
3 weeks ago, I took an overdose. After the break up of my relationship. I was feeling down for many reasons aside from the obvious. I've had depression i think from being 15 when I had a breakdown. I still don't know what a breakdown is, I often wonder if I've had anymore. I was hospitalised with my P for the first time and my Mum came with the Doctor and my Mum said 'you've had a breakdown' It was never mentioned again, that word. Too be honest I've never really known what it meant, because I dont think I want to. I'm not stupid, I have a rough idea but I think its a bit of a cop out term used by Docs when people cant cope, which is life isn't it?
Anyway, over the years I've had many pills prescribed, hours of counselling. I'm still prone to depression. However, now I recognise the feeling, and I can detract away from it, most of the time.
Occasionally though, I don't see it coming and it hits me like a truck at 90mph. There is no going back for me then, I can't describe the feeling of absoloute despair and hopelessness. They say suicide is selfish, and in hindsight it probably is. But when you're so so sure no-one cares and you can't bare another moment feeling the way you do it seems the only way out. I rang the samaritans, who the lady Ingrid, was nice. Except I didn't want her to tell me I need counselling (I knew that) that life is full of ups and downs (I know that too) I just wanted someone to talk to. Thats all. She actually made me feel worse, but then I think I was beyond help at that point.
I sat for many hours that night, I researched on the internet. It was no cry for help. I really did at that time just want to die. I wrote lists, for and against. I wrote letters and apologies and explanations.
I was chicken, I didnt want to do it painfully. I wanted to goto sleep and not wake up.  Then I just woke up in hospital. Then you're faced with the shame, the lots of things that made me wish I'd ensured I'd done it properly. Until the Doctor came to see me. And very gently asked me if I knew I was pregnant. No I didnt. I'd put all the symptoms down to stress. It hadnt even occured to me that I might be.
I'm still in the depths of my depression, now I have guilt to live with as well. If my baby is anyway affected by what I have done I will never forgive myself, and right now they cant say. Both drugs are prescribed in pregnancy, but obviously not in those amounts at one time. Ive had a scan but only time will tell. This feels like my punishment for what I did. All I know is I have 7 months to turn this around, I dont want my baby to come into my life as it is now. I dont want my baby to experience the things I have.I'm now getting the help I need, and accepting it. If I can't do it for me I have to do this for my baby who never asked to be brought into this.This time I have something to fight for, Ive never felt that before. The help I'm getting now seems more appropriate than the help ive had in the past. For the first time in the past 15 years I feel like I can do this. I'm terrified of what the future will bring. Always have been since I can remember. I was diagnosed with Morbid grief Syndrome 4 years ago. I think a lot of people with depression find it hard to accept that bad things happen. More to some than others. Its so difficult to tell other people as a lot of the time you don't want to be seen as feeling sorry for yourself, you constantly get told that life is hard for everyone, everyone has problems. SO then you question yourself as to why you cant deal with it like everyone else seems to do! Its so complicated, but if anyone does have friends, relatives who are depressed, it shouldnt be taken lightly, nor dismissed as feeling sorry for themselves, self piteous or selfish. I was ALWAYS there for my friends. If anything that made me feel better. Yet I very rarely told them just how low I was. I certainly would never dream of telling them I was suicidal. I told them my problems, but never just how bad I was feeling. I dont have any family, which has always been a factor. However I do have good friends, I have a lovely home and now I'm going to have a baby. A family of my own.
My friend have tried to be helpful in the past, by being bluntly honest. This just sends me under and I isolate myself. I start not going out during the day, I sit up till all hours.
I'm still there, my depression is going nowhere anytime soon. But I know what I have to do. For those of you that are depressed, you just need to find the right kind of help that is appropiate for you. what works for some doesnt work for others. You need the right medication and the right kind of therapy. Keep going to your GP until you get something you know is working for you. I know how easy it is to give up when you've had enough. Please don't, pick up the phone and tell someone just how bad you are feeling. Then its baby steps, see your GP, take each day as it comes, make a plan and stick to it. I'm not in a position to give the best advice, but if anyone just needs someone to talk to then let me know. All my contact info is on my profile. Sorry for epic post.

[Rocky]

Annette , and everyone else

That was very brave to share your thoughts.

I really, really hope everything turns out ok x