Depression

[annemarie]

Icklestar, what a brave post and i wish you all the best, both for you and your baby...just make sure that you look after you!!

take care
amy

[TrishR]

Awww congratulations Annette    Such lovely news and such sad news to read.       I wish you all the best in getting though this, and am sure the baby will make all the difference 

[SueB]

Annette Im speechless and sat her close to tears my love.....you take care of yourself and that baby eh huge hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx

[nursechelle]

Icklestar your post is one of the bravest things i've read for a long time, and I hope it helps you to write your feelings down like you have. You should be proud of your self for what you've achieved so far and I wish you and your baby all the best.
I've battled with depression since I was 13 or 14 and it's always been there at the surface waiting to strike at the most unpredictable times. I used to self harm when things got too much and yeah it made me feel better... for like a second until the guilt of what I had done set in. I lost some friends over it as well when I accidently went too far one night and ended up being rushed to hospital. no one would believe I wasn't trying to kill myself, it was just my way of coping.The physical pain what so much easier to deal with than the mental pain. Maybe I was trying to end it but just couldn't admit it to myself. I have tried since, i've taken overdoses and hurt myself in ways, but I always woke up in hospital with the accusing stare's from the doctors and nurses in a&e. I was lucky that I had one amazing friend who i could talk to and yet i never did open up to her as much as maybe i needed to because you never want to bother people. I will do anything for my friends they are family to me but at times i feel like a hypocrit because i never fully open up to them.  I feel that since I've actually started my training to become a nurse i've turned a corner, yes i still battle with the depression and yes my P is still there but i have something to focus on now... the people i work with would probably look at me differently if they realised the extent my depression has been to so i keep it to myself. yes my university know because they have to... and sometimes i can feel myself going down the road to no return but then i have to pull myself back... i just have to. sometimes are harder than others  but if i dont pull it back i cant make my mum proud.. and thats all i want to do. I've also made one promise to myself... if i ever take care of someone with depression or has attempted suicide.. i will NEVER make them feel as low as i've been made to feel. no one has a right to do that to someone else.
Recently i've felt myself going back down that road... and when i was in the grips of helplessness i had an incidient at work where a patient fractured my wrist... and as sick as it sounds it helped me.. once again the physical pain was easier than than dealing with my thoughts.. it gave me a focus. I feel like im at square 1 again but i will not let myself start self harming again as much as i feel the need too.
Sorry this feels like it has turned into a rant and for that i apologise. I hope we can all get the strength to deal with the D and the P.

[guitarman]

Annette , and everyone else

That was very brave to share your thoughts.

I really, really hope everything turns out ok x

 you ve been so brave and open i hope things turn out ok for you, its not easy to tell the things youve been threw, i hope they improve soon and good luck with your baby

regards
Andrew

[Madtoscratch]

Hi All

I have been feeling extremely down for months now due to a catalogue of hospital blunders after a very complicated surgical procedure, which has left me with a hernia the size of a 7 month pregnancy! and constant pain.

I finally admitted to myself this week that I cant cope.  I have been to see my GP this morning and he has prescribed anti-depressants (Citalopram) I have always thought of myself as a survivor or just strong willed and it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with my "depression".  I was crying all the time, not sleeping, I couldn't concentrate and so on.  Funnily enough my P has been the last thing on my mind. It has flared quite badly over the last few weeks but because my life feels so worthless it hasn't bothered me as much.  Irony?

I just hope the magic pills help me through. 

Good luck to anyone else going through this bad time in their lives.   

[SueB]

Hi All

I have been feeling extremely down for months now due to a catalogue of hospital blunders after a very complicated surgical procedure, which has left me with a hernia the size of a 7 month pregnancy! and constant pain.

I finally admitted to myself this week that I cant cope.  I have been to see my GP this morning and he has prescribed anti-depressants (Citalopram) I have always thought of myself as a survivor or just strong willed and it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with my "depression".  I was crying all the time, not sleeping, I couldn't concentrate and so on.  Funnily enough my P has been the last thing on my mind. It has flared quite badly over the last few weeks but because my life feels so worthless it hasn't bothered me as much.  Irony?

I just hope the magic pills help me through. 

Good luck to anyone else going through this bad time in their lives.   

So sorry to read this Mad my love...you know where I am 

[Madtoscratch]

Thank you Sue x 

[Simon_B]

Isn't it weird.. such a normal human experience and hardly anyone enjoys the experience of talking about it.. but there are people who see the merit and positivity of sharing whatever is going through their minds.. and the thing that always brings a smile to my face is that, given time, everyone has a story that allows them to reconnect with the rest of us. Depression, the great leveler.
A very dear friend once said to me that sometimes mind can be so awful, cause someone such pain that suicide is an act of kindness. I'm not sure if I can make a judgement call on this but I do know that life is precious and that I don't know what's right for someone else. Suicide seems to be the last big taboo for me, an awkward and uncomfortable idea that goes against all I've been taught about the importance of human life.. But here we are, either through chemical imbalance or psychology or both thinking dark thoughts and its OK. How else can I be with my friend when he says he want's to die? How else can I HEAR him and trust him.. and this doesn't mean I don't do anything but in this life I want to be able sit with it all.. Unconditional positive regard / love is often banded around, regularly used as the perfect way of being in this world (or in a therapy session) but I see so little of it.. its easy to love someone when they behave like i think they should but what happens when they go to places I've never experienced? That feeling of fear or disappointment IS conditional! And it seems to me that the very last place i offer this acceptance is with myself and my bodies. I tell my boyfriend regularly that I am VERY conditional, that unless my psoriasis does a certain thing I'm unhappy.. and the same goes for him! It feels more honest. It feels more human than pretending to be an adult. And in the process of acknowledgment I can sit a little deeper, feel a little more undone.. I don't have to be perfect, I don't even have to survive and its OK.. and the weirdest thing happens, I'm happier.

There is such a lot of wonderful advice and information on this website.. thanks for sharing your stories

[Icklestar]

Thanks for your lovely comment guys, just to update. Im now ten weeks and baby is doing fine. I have another scan on Tues. My Doc who is an Obstetrician who deals with expectant Mums with mental health issues, is absoloutley fantastic.

For all of you dealing with depression too, its never too late to make today the day when you tell yourself you're going to fight. Go into battle with it. We all need a purpose in life and when you feel you have nothing left to fight for, theres your purpose staring you right in the face.

In this world, you don't get help unless you ask for it. A few minutes can make the difference between life and death if no-one hears your cry for help. Please dont take that risk, you never know whats around the corner.
I could've lost so much.

You hold your happiness in your hands, if you know what would make you happy then try and be strong enough to find it.

I can only wish you all well, I've made some fantastic friends on here and I know you will too.
Be kind to yourself

x x x x